Emilia Uustalu started working in retail after high school as she couldn’t decide which university course would make her happy. She lives close to the Estonian capital, Tallinn, but believes “the whole world” will be her home one day.

When I ask my former classmates how university is going I often get a sense of disappointment. They don’t know what kind of job market will be waiting for them once they graduate, and some don’t even seem that enthusiastic about their subjects.

But all of them applied to university because it’s expected once you finish high school. You think you should continue studying even if you’re not really sure what you want to do.

I considered studying architecture, interior design or psychology. But there was one thought I couldn’t get out of my head – what if I study for three, maybe even five years, and then realise it was the wrong subject and I end up hating the job I was trained for?

So I decided not to give in to pressure and chose a different path. I started working as a sales assistant at a sports equipment shop and, less than a year later, I was offered a position as a shop decorator. It was an amazing opportunity because it’s closely related to interior design, so now I can tell whether I was right to be drawn to the subject.

I don’t think we should necessarily stick to one profession our entire lives. I dream about doing different things and staying constantly on the move.

At the moment I really enjoy my job even though working in retail isn’t very highly respected. The coronavirus pandemic made me appreciate it even more. I was terrified I might get laid off because all the department stores had to close for weeks. Luckily I was able to help out packing the web store orders. My salary was cut back but I’m relieved I didn’t lose my job.

When the crisis hit I immediately started trying to save money to prepare for the worst. I was surprised that not many people were doing the same. People were ordering stuff online like crazy, even though the news was full of warnings about an impending economic crisis.

What I really struggled with was the gym closing down. I’ve been working out almost every day for the past few years. It’s not just about taking care of my body, but also testing my limits. On the final day, I worked out until the very last second and only left when they were shutting the doors. I sat down and wept. The gym had become my safe spot, a place where I felt so confident, and now suddenly it was being taken away from me.

The pandemic has really made me appreciate all that I have in my life. Such as the freedoms that I used to take for granted - like being able to visit my 81-year old grandmother at her care home on Saaremaa island. Saaremaa became one of the Covid-19 hotspots back in March and people from the mainland weren’t allowed on ferries.

Even though it’s possible to travel again, the rules at the care home are still very strict. I can only see my grandmother from a safe distance and for 15 minutes. I’m not allowed to hug her. The very idea hurts me, so it’s now been months since I last saw her.

Other than that, I didn’t find lockdown too difficult. I think that’s because I’ve been living on my own since I was 15, when my mother moved to work in Finland. I’m used to time alone.

I knew about her plan for months before she left and took it rather calmly, up until the morning I saw her bags by the front door and had to wave her off on the ferry. I remember crying and, to this day, I think the month that followed was the hardest I’ve ever experienced.

But over time it became easier and I got used to my solo life. Looking back, I can see it made me the person I am today. I was forced to become independent and strong.

The example my mother set me is probably one reason why I didn’t pursue university. For years she worked as a dental assistant, which was well-paid and respected, but for some reason she wasn’t happy. One day she made a complete U-turn and started working in a chicken hatchery. And now she is happy with her job as a cleaner in Finland. She enjoys the fact that nobody is constantly checking on her.

My mother always says that even if a job pays well and is well respected, that’s not a good enough reason to stick with it. She always insists you should do whatever makes you happy, and I try to follow her advice.

My mother and I are both strong women who try to be in charge of our own decisions, and this has a lot to do with my grandmother. She was deported to Siberia in 1949 when she was just ten years old. It’s tragic to think that the horrors of Soviet occupation touched my family so closely, but I believe the wisdom and strength my grandmother gained during those years have been passed on to us.

It’s impossible for me to forget what my grandmother has lived through. Every day I am reminded of it by a blanket which covers my bed. She crocheted it together with her own grandmother during those years in Siberia and brought it back to Estonia with her.

Whereas my grandmother was forcibly taken from her home, my mother and my sister left Estonia voluntarily. That’s probably why I can imagine myself living in a foreign country one day too. 

I have a travelling soul and anytime I am abroad, no matter where I am, I feel comfortable. I think the whole world is my home. Yet when I think about having children, I picture bringing them up in a wooden house in the middle of Estonian pine forests. 

In a perfect scenario I would have several homes all over the world and would constantly travel between them. I believe that’s what the future looks like – not binding yourself to one place your whole life.

Even though I love Estonia there are some things I hope will change. Estonians are very socially reserved, mostly due to our tragic history. I remember visiting my sister in Mexico a few years ago. People there were so friendly, and when I returned home I kept wishing we could be more open with each other.

What also makes my heart ache is when people in Estonia say we shouldn’t care about the Black Lives Matter movement. I think anyone who claims we don’t have problems with racism has had their eyes and ears shut their whole life. Maybe it’s not possible to change the older generation’s worldview, but I hope people my age will actively work to reduce racism in our society.

And lastly, we need less egotism, especially in politics. What if politicians stopped praising themselves constantly! If a politician admitted he'd made some mistakes and promised to now fix things, I’d vote for that person.